Carefully steering around negativity pt. 2

There’s something else to examine about the situation that I posted yesterday, but I didn’t want to make the entry go on and on.  Something that’s worth looking into as a person with social anxiety in that kind of setting are any other factors that might increase the anxiety further.  Obviously, experiencing something that might compromise a moral code is very uncomfortable, but feeling trapped and therefore unable to do anything to attempt to either get away from or stop whatever is breaching that comfort zone makes things so much worse.  I went through this recently.  I attended a party, and at some point, everyone there sat around and proceeded to bash someone that I thought was a friend of everyone in that group.  From what I gather, the person that was the topic for discussion had done something that might have warranted a slap upside the head, but it seemed like it was a personal matter between two individuals and shouldn’t have been something brought up to an entire group of people for mocking purposes.

Moving on though, what needs to be scrutinized is this: How does one approach the person that has started or is responsible for spreading the gossip and rumors?  It obviously starts somewhere with someone, and for me it’s quite chilling when I’m able to finally pinpoint the person that has sown the seeds of a very nasty downward spiral -particularly when it’s someone that I care about.  From past experiences, I have learned that a way that kind of situation shouldn’t be handled is by attempting to make the offender feel remorse for the damage they’ve done by exposing them in front of everyone (including the actual offender as well).  In the end, they won’t learn (if anything, they’re more prone to be vindictive) and there’s always the risk of losing friendship due to that kind of behavior.  However, it’s not safe or healthy to allow them to persist in that kind of behavior.  So is it better to just maintain the friendship with someone that simply can’t be trusted by holding them at arm’s length, or would it be better to bite the bullet and actually confront them about their behavior (without coming across as preachy)?  For someone with anxiety or confidence issues, it’s difficult to do the latter.  But it seems that the first option would really do nothing more than fuel further anxiety and depression, wouldn’t it?

Nothing is ever as easy as it should be.

Tags: difficulties, thoughts

Carefully steering around negativity pt. 1

WARNING This is a long post.

I spent the weekend with several friends, mainly due to an event that we were all working at.  Still, I made certain to actually be a bit more outgoing than usual, rather than just sitting in a corner and being too scared to say anything.  The greatest  reward for this is that because of the attempt to be bolder, I actually mended several friendships that had been nearly ruined due to certain things that occurred a little while back.  To clarify, it wasn’t any of my personal relationships that had been strained, but rather friends of mine that were once close friends with one another.  A vicious rumor had been spread, and until yesterday, no one had approached the person that was the topic of the rumor to see if they had actually done what they were accused to doing.  So, six months after the rumor came to my attention, I finally found the courage to approach them and get their side of the story, and I’m glad that I did (it turns out that they had no idea that such things were being said about them and they were genuinely appalled that they would even be accused of such things).  Afterward, the person that I spoke to contacted several mutual friends and was able to explain their side in the situation, and from what I’m being told, those friendships have been repaired.  I was also thanked for what I did, which felt amazing and humbling that something that was difficult for me to do had such positive effects.

I posted something this personal (while omitting as many personal details as possible) to be able to examine several things in my crusade to end my anxiety/depression/whatever other methods my body might try to sabotage me.  The first -that I already noted in depth- was that I took a huge risk to overcome my anxiety and actually approached a very difficult subject matter for…well, anyone in that kind of situation, no matter what role in it.  In doing what I did, I risked many different friendships (the one that was accused, the mutual friends that were contacted, and so on), but I did what I felt was the right thing to do.  And, because of what I did -something that I believed in-, something really good came out of it.  The second is to examine something that’s a bit more subtle and could potentially be harder to deal with in the long run.  It’s very easy to get swept up in a situation where there’s a lot of gossip and rumors run rampant amongst a group of people, even if they’re all friends and the topic of said gossip/rumors is a mutual friend.  Personally, I am not a fan of gossip or rumors.  I myself have been at the center of a lot of slander by people who I considered my friends at one point or another, and it always hurts.  A lot of time it’s due to a miscommunication that no one bothered to approach face to face, and instead found it easier to vent their frustration amongst a few friends, which NEVER takes a good turn and NEVER resolves the problem at hand (one that usually starts off relatively small).  Instead, people get hurt, friendships and even reputations are potentially ruined, and at what cost?  And not only is the friendship ruined between the two people that had an issue, but usually the friendship between one person and an entire group suffers damage.  So as someone that already suffers from anxiety (especially social anxiety), what is route can one take without compromising friendship or their principles?  For a while now, whenever I’m amongst a group of my friends and any sort of gossip begins to emerge about someone that isn’t present, I’ll announce that I’m friends with the person in question, that I have no desire to discuss anything about them, and then I’ll leave the room.  Lately, I’ve been a bit more vocal about this, and will even discuss with several friends about how uncomfortable I am with that type of conversations.  But what if it takes a turn for the worst, like it did with the friend in the aforementioned situation?  Is it right to step in and tell people that they ought to knock it off?  I often asked many of them if they had even spoken to the person at the center of the rumor, and none of them said that they had.  Still, even doing that wasn’t good enough to prevent further gossip.  With social anxiety, the immediate first thought (at least in my case), is “What if they think that I’m being preachy and started to get irritated with me, and then start to complain about me behind my back?”  And what if talking to my friend backfired?  There’s always the risk that THAT could start rumors that I’m untrustworthy to discuss anything around, and therefore certain friends might decide that it isn’t wise to hang out with me.  Even posting about this particular situation could be a risk, despite how vague it is.

Since it has been very difficult for me to make friends in the past due to social anxiety, I have sometimes forced myself  to make compromises during difficult scenarios such as these.  But now, I don’t see any purpose in doing that.  I am starting to find the balance between being outgoing and being both a nice AND good person (there is a big difference).  It is very, very difficult, especially when the urge to avoid conflict at all costs runs strong, but it’s important to remember that not all differences have to be resolved through the process of fight or flight -especially amongst friends.  More importantly, if they’re real friends, things won’t escalate to such extremes.  If all else fails, I’ll just have to go back to step one where I crush my social anxiety and make new friends with my awesome personality.

In other news, I GOT MY HAIRCUT! Now begins the REAL process of starting to grow my hair out healthy and long.  I’m thinking that my goal will be to grow it out about six or seven inches past my shoulders.

Tags: difficulties, hair, thoughts

3AM is when I do my best thinking

I’ve been coming up with a list of goals that I’d like to accomplish over this summer.  I’m sure that I’ll be adding more to this list.

1) Lose another 15lbs by the end of the summer (since the end of the summer is actually in September, I actually have three months to accomplish that).

2) Be more social and learn how to small talk.  I can’t stress this one enough.  I have SEVERE social anxiety, and it’s so bad that it’s actually blockaded me from even going out from time to time and prevents me being able to enjoy myself when I’m around any group of people, no matter the size of the group.  I’m one of those people that’s so focused on myself in all the least possible narcissistic ways that I end up paralyzed by my own fear and so discouraged from participating in anything that I end up quiet and withdrawn in the corner of whatever room I’m in.  THAT.  SUCKS.  A.  LOT. So I’m trying to teach myself to approach people and learning how to engage in small talk.  It’s hard, because I never feel like I have anything interesting to converse with anyone about, unless it’s about video games, comics, music, or something really geeky (I’m a big geek).  I’m not really up to current events, either, and I don’t really care to be.  But either way, I’m going to get better at this whole “social” thing.

3) Make new friends, become better friends with people who I’m already acquainted with, and make the friendships that I already have stronger.  This should probably just be goal 2.5, considering that I’m going to be using techniques from goal 2.  I’d like to be more open with my friends and keep myself from pushing them away due to any insecurities that I’ve had in the past and that have held me back from contributing more to any relationships.

4) Stay positive and don’t let depression or anything else negative get in my way.  I refuse to become a prisoner in my own body again.  Life is far too short and precious to be defeated by myself of all people.

I’ll add more as I think of more, but I think those are some solid goals to work on.

Tags: goals

I just walked 4 miles for a slushie

Today, my little brother begged for us to go to the convenience store to get slushies.  However, we currently lack a car and the store is two miles away from our house (and, no lie, our house is in the one area of the universe where it’s uphill BOTH WAYS).  I told him the only way that we would be able to get down there is to walk, and he agreed with this.  I’m really glad that he did, because I haven’t been all that active lately.  Well, not as much as I’d like to be, anyway.  I do a lot of work around the house, and lately I’ve been working in the vegetable garden, but I really should be up and moving around more often.  I was so depressed a few months ago that I lost all motivation to go on walks like I used to (it was tough enough to just get out of bed).  I’m feeling a little beat right now after walking a total four miles uphill, but I feel good.

Now, I’m not unhappy with my body ( in fact, I really, REALLY love my body).  I’m 5’0 tall and just under 160lbs, and I am considered to be overweight, but I’m also really proportionate with an awesome hourglass shaped body (VA VA VOOM).  I could stay in this shape and be perfectly happy for the rest of my life, but if I can lose more weight and enhance myself even further, then why not try?  It’s all part of the “home improvement” thing, and I always feel amazing after exercising, with its release of endorphins and whatnot.

As we walked, a few thoughts ran through my head.  In the past year, I’ve lost over 30lbs, and I’ve lost two pants sizes in the past few weeks alone.  Most of the clothes that I bought recently, like my pretty blue sundress, aren’t going to fit me soon.  That SUCKS.  In America, we’re attempting to conquer obesity, so what if clothing stores (or places like Wal-Mart or Target, where the average American shops) did something to help out with this problem?  Say, if someone managed to drop a clothing size or two a month after they originally bought an article of clothing from their store, they could exchange it -as long as it’s clean and still in good condition- for a smaller size and get 10% discount on their next clothing purchase.  It would be a good incentive, right?  I know that I’d be all over that.

Alright, now that it’s cooled down a bit outside, I’m going to go weed the garden and burn a few more calories : )

Tags: exercise, thoughts

Cold Showers and Co-Washing

I’ve altered several things about my showering habits, and the transition has been pretty seamless.  As I mentioned before, I started taking cold showers, and I actually enjoy them.  As far as I can tell, cold showers have several awesome benefits:

1) Heat damages hair, and I really need to be careful with my hair due to its delicate texture.
2) Cold water is invigorating.  It wakes the body up and makes it feel all tingly (in a good way).
3) It’s summertime.  The last thing that I personally want is anything that would add to the heat of the season.
4) The mirror and windows aren’t all steamed up after I get out of the shower.

I’m also showering every day, instead of every other day.  While I’m a BIG fan of conserving water (or anything, for that matter), and I’m aware that washing hair with shampoo every day is actually a bad thing, I don’t have much of an option if I want to keep it clean due to the fine texture.  So, I did some research on alternatives to washing hair (I know about apple cider vinegar rinses, but that’s really the only one that I know of), and came across information on conditioner washing, or Co-Washing.  This struck me as interesting due to the lack of conditioner that I’ve used in my life.  Seriously, at some point, someone (I think my mom) completely discouraged me from using conditioner and said that it would make my hair really greasy.  So when I found out that it could actually help my hair by leaps and bounds, I felt a surge of hope and a fair amount of aggravation.  No matter, I’m learning and fixing it now.

Anyway, the conditioner washing thing.  It’s really simple, it turns out that people are using conditioner as an alternative to shampoo because it gently cleanses, instead of stripping the natural oils of the hair like shampoo will do.  Of course, shampoo is still utilized every few showers for deep cleansing purposes.  So today, I started my experiment with co-washing.  The schedule that I’m trying out is to wash with conditioner every shower, and use shampoo every third shower.  I might do an apple cider vinegar rinse once a week as well, depending on the condition of my hair and if it’s actually altered enough to my liking.

The next step is a haircut.  I’ll see if I can get one done on Saturday.

Tags: hair

Hair

For the majority of my life, I have kept my hair short.  There’s a bunch of reasons for this, but mainly because it’s easier to take care of that way and my hair doesn’t look all that good long and therefore it’s not meant to be.  Until a few days ago I sort of just accepted that, but have been bummed out that I can’t really grow my hair long.  Well I just recently did some research, and it turns out that several things about this scenario is wrong.  1) I was not aware that my hair was considered “fine”.  I thought it was normal, because despite the amount of times I’ve approached various stylists and have pleaded with them to tell me why my hair always looks so UGH, they’ve just sort of shrugged and have suggested I get a short hair style to cover up the UGH.  Not one of them told me that my hair is fine and that there are certain ways to care for that and make it look nice, therefooore,  2) every method that I’ve used to care for my hair has been wrong for my entire life because of the texture of my hair, and these methods have made it look awful.  So uh….DURRR.  I’m not really sure why I never figured this out, and instead just went along with the notion that my hair is bad and I should feel bad.

So now I’m going to try live out my dream of having long-ish hair.  I went out to Target and picked up some Yes To Tomatoes brand shampoo and conditioner, which is made for fine hair.  This has made my hair ridiculously shiny and I’m thrilled.  It also makes my hair look not flat and all limp and sad.  The other thing that I started to do is take cold showers to prevent heat damage to my hair; surprisingly, it was really easy to start doing this, but I think that’s because it’s summer time.  I now pat my hair dry instead of rub it vigorously with a towel, and I also don’t blow dry my hair; I’ve actually never done that anyway, mainly because I’ve never wanted to stand around for an hour doing nothing but blasting hot air directly in my face.

The only other thing that I need to do is get a haircut to get rid of the damaged hair and start fresh.  My hair does this really stupid thing, where it grows out to my shoulders and then starts to curl and flare out.  It makes it look awful and there’s no taming it, but I think if I keep on top of it with regular trims, I should be able to grow it out successfully.

WHAT ARE YOU?!?

Tags: hair

A dark and dreary introduction to a not-so dark a dreary journal

I have battled anxiety and depression my entire life, and I have mused with the idea of self injury far more than any human being ought to -although, just one time is more than any person should consider forfeiting their life.  The road through life has been very long, dark, and lonely, and I’ve been lost in the woods far more times than I’ve managed to stay on the dimly lit path.  One thing that has always been a major threat to my well being has been my self-esteem.  Throughout the majority of existence, I was not able to build a sense of self worth or confidence, and this has held me back and hurt in more ways than I could possibly begin to count.  In short, I have been a prisoner in my own body, unable to live life to the fullest.

Within the past year, my life has changed drastically beyond my control.  While at the time they occurred they were devastating, a HUGE chain reaction started in the wake of those events that has altered my overall health for the better.  A year ago -and I’m not exaggerating when I say this- I could not look into the mirror without almost bursting into tears or battling the desire to smash it into a million pieces.  I sincerely loathed myself and had written myself off long ago as being completely useless.  Just thinking about the state of my health and of my mind at the time makes me cringe, horrifies me, and even dumbfounds me.  Today is a completely different story; I love everything about myself, despite whatever flaws I might have.  Yes, I struggle with old anxieties and moments of doubt from time to time, but overall I’m genuinely happy, and for the first time that I can remember, I like me for me.  I’m awesome!  And I’m damn cute, too XD  I’ve also lost 30lbs since last year, so that probably helps as well.

Another first that has taken place is the desire to actually *gasp* take care of myself!  I never really took the phrase “Take pride in your appearance” to heart until recently because I had no pride to begin with.  It’s tough to try to get up the energy to look nice when you don’t like yourself or want to murder every mirror in the household.  But now, as mentioned before, is a different story.  I feel amazing and I love myself and dammit, I want people to know that and see that.  MY HAPPINESS WILL RADIATE AND INFECT THE WHOLE BUILDING.  NO ONE WILL BE SPARED.  So I’ve taken it upon myself to start doing some “home improvement” upon myself.  Unfortunately, I’m more than a little clueless about this new endeavor, and while I have faith in myself, I have no doubt that it’s going to be a lot of work with a ridiculous amount of trial and error.  For a lot of what I’m going to do or have done, I’ve either been clueless about until now or have tried to get help/input on whatever issues that I’ve had and…well, it hasn’t worked out for the best.  So this is all on me.  And that’s OK!  I’ll make it through, and it will be fun!

So, the very purpose of this blog (I prefer to call it a journal) is to record this journey of self exploration and to keep track of every step along the way.  The title of this blog comes from the song “Walking To Do” by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, a song that I listen to when I’m not feeling my strongest and need to remind myself that no matter what point I’m at, the only way to improve it is to just keep on moving because there will always be a whole lot of walking to do.

Tags: intro